Jonathan's Appeal

The pressure to perform of a younger generation under ungodly authority can be overwhelming, destructive, and cause many future ramifications. It can cause emotional and mental issues for many. Just the other day, I was talking to my brother-in-law Frank. He had just read “My Story,” and was giving his perspective on it. There were many things he didn’t know about in my journey being under abusive authority. As we were chatting, he told me about some conversations he had with my late son Jonathan. There was a period of about six months when Jonathan was in Frank’s hometown. So, they got a chance to talk some. When Frank heard some of the things that were happening with me when Jonathan was younger, he told me about the content of some of those conversations. Jonathan would tell him how much pressure he had felt constantly to perform in order to be acceptable in the group of churches we were part of. He confided how high the standard was for younger children and teens. He was basically saying he never felt like he was ever going to be good enough. The pressure that he felt so many years took a toll on him. It also took a toll on his beliefs, and whether he would ever go to church again.

To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, the children of adults were expected to not only perform to a certain standard, but they were also expected to practice living out their lives with “The Gospel Plus.” One example would have been young adults and teens were expected to “Kiss Dating Goodbye.” Do you think you would hear this directly from the pulpit or in conversation with a leader? Of course not! The manipulation was much more subtle. But it became apparent as the years went by it wasn’t so subtle. How do I know this? Well, if you were one of the very few families in a local church that did not aggressively practice “The Gospel Plus,” via kissing dating goodbye, you were NEVER considered for any type of leadership or even small role in the church. You’d better believe there were zero small group leaders that didn’t adhere to this practice. Much less ever be a pastor or other placement on a leadership team. Everyone in the church quietly knew that, but you know who knew it and felt it more than anyone else? Jonathan and hundreds of young people along with him. Am I saying this practice is wrong? No! That’s not the point. The point is it was a quiet requirement to even fit into a church. And believe me, if you didn’t practice this, you felt it. You were less than, and obviously immature. Soon you would be gone because subtly, you weren’t accepted as “one of us.” So, such a family would wander off perplexed.

Another example that indicates this is how it was is the standard for leaders concerning their children. Do you know how many Pastors were “disqualified” because their children didn’t hit the mark? And if the church members’ children were expected to be little angels, imagine what that meant for a Pastor’s children. My Jonathan felt that probably more than any of my other children because he was the oldest first-born son. He was the first to reach the Ï Kissed Dating Goodbye years.” But even prior to this, younger children were literally examined by higher leaders for how they responded to adults on any given Sunday. And those dreaded Apostolic visits Sr. Pastors would receive once or twice a year? Terrifying! On top of that, it was the expected practice for the Sr. Pastor’s family to host the Apostolic member in their own home. Why you ask? They would come right out and tell you it was for them to have the opportunity to examine how you and your wife interacted, and how you interacted with your children. It was like living under a magnifying glass. You can’t make this up. So, guess who got lectured and put through rehearsal prior to their arrival? Yep, the children. They were expected as 4-, 5- and 6-year-olds to say, “Hi Mr. so and so. How are you today?” And they needed to say it perfectly. Meaning the child needed to make eye contact, smile, and shake their hand according to some apostolic leaders. And if it didn’t go something like that, there was a corrective conversation with the Pastor that took place at the conclusion of the visit. And guess what the next visit would be like if the children failed the last examination? More pre lecturing and more pressure to perform. You better believe there was a particular attention given by the apostolic guy to the next examination.

Can you imagine the pressure to perform these children and teens felt? I could tell you so many other examples. The question is not only how did this pressure to perform affect them, but what baggage did they haul into the future as a result? What type of mental, emotional, and psychological implications did that cause as they grew older? I cannot escape the culpability, shame and sorry my own impact had on my children. It haunts me to this day. By the grace of God, they all to one degree or another made it through. Not necessarily without being affected, but by and large they all made it to the other side. But not my Jonny.

My son struggled throughout his teens into adulthood. He was always trying to live up to something, myself included. I could sense it. When he felt like things didn’t go perfectly, he got very stressed and anxious about it. It seemed constantly he was trying to gain my approval. Where did this come from? Well, you know where. He probably remembered the pressure lectures by me and the apostolic examinations. I’m telling you these teens were constantly under a magnifying glass, especially Pastor’s kids. I remember talking to him a few times as both of us grew older trying to relieve some of the pressure he was under. I remember specific conversations of me trying to tell him it was Ok for my son to just be “himself.” I said things like, “Be comfortable with who you are. You don’t have to be like me or anyone else. Just be you.” This was something Jonny was never able to fully grasp. I think he always felt pressure to perform for me. This made me very sad as we both grew older. And as I look back, it is a great source of pain for me.

As life moved on and now in his thirties, Jonathan struggled more and more with life. He put pressure on himself to perform more every month that went by. Even though I don’t believe it was coming from the outside or me at the time. A son being raised in this “gospel plus” group of churches with me as his father struggling under the same pressure, it transferred to him. Jonny began turning to drugs in order to relieve some feelings of being inadequate. As he got older from this point, he became very irritable, angry at times, and difficult. But do you know what amazing trait he developed through all of this? He was the most compassionate man when it came to the weak, down and out, and most needy of all. It didn’t matter whether it was dogs or cats he rescued, or people he ran into that had no where to live or nothing to eat. He was quick to give them a place to stay or feed them. His mom and I had this engraved on his memorial stone, “True compassion is not only feeling another’s pain, but being moved to help relieve it.” This was the paradox of who he had become. I truly believe this was his way of expressing himself through others vicariously, to what he needed most deep down inside.

Jonathan continued to struggle off and on with drugs well into his thirties. He was pushing so hard to measure up he needed the drugs to keep him going and to cope. He never stopped performing. Performing to the utmost detriment of his own well-being. Then came that early morning on December 9, 2020. Jonathan died in his sleep. There were drugs in his system, but that wasn’t the primary reason he died according to the autopsy report. There were multiple things that contributed. But do you know what wasn’t listed in that report? The broken heart of a young man that never felt like he was good enough.

Thankfully we knew from friends that we trust Jonny confided on numerous occasions, that he believed God sent his son to die for the penalty of his sins. These men spoke at his memorial service. What’s the first thing a mom and dad want to know when their son was taken unexpectedly in the condition Jonny was? Where is he now?” We were, and still are relieved to know he is with Jesus. My incredible wife even told me with tears in her eyes that God had mercy on Jonny by taking him when he did. She told me, “Jonny is finally free from his struggles.” Jonathan doesn’t need to perform any more to be accepted. He is with Jesus!

The reason this piece was written is because there are thousands of adults out there now that experienced similar challenges. I gave some examples of what I was talking about and how it affected my son Jonathan which was a rather sober example. As a result, my children were affected as well. Especially the older ones. My younger children suffered differently from a father that was bitter, detached, and had no desire at all to raise them in a godly household. Years of living under this type of “apostolic ministry,” I slowly and gradually slid into deep depression, bitterness, and aloofness. They can all relate to one degree or another. If you grew up in this type of pressure, (I know you felt it too back then) you may have some issues now as a result. By God’s grace many of you came out to the other side in victory which is a testimony of his grace and your resilience.

In the past few days after talking to Frank about some of the conversations he had with Jonny, I have felt a myriad of emotions. One of them is great sorry. Another temptation is feeling condemned by Satan himself. I will visit his final resting place this week, I have already played over in my mind what I’m going to say. “Ï am so grievously sorry Jonny for the part I played in your struggles. Especially when you were younger.” You know how you can talk to someone at their gravesite as if they were there and can hear you? Even though I know he isn’t there, it’s still a type of release to be able to say what you have to say the last place you saw him before he was buried. While I am resisting the guilt, sorrow, and brokenness I feel, I know I was the primary reason in his life he felt that pressure.

Where do these memories of the past leave us now as both parents and their grown adult children? I know your parents grieve at the memories of having played a part in this kind of parenting back then. I know people that were teens then and adults even now, can still be a little bitter at their parents for the kind of performance based living they put you though. What’s the ultimate reason for writing this? To seek healing together as we move forward. Don’t let what happened in the past define your relationships now or how you’re going to finish.

Are overbearing, ungodly, abusive leaders of the past responsible for this? Yes, they are! And they will answer to God Almighty. I want to make something clear. I am not suggesting that these leaders were responsible for my son’s death. Neither am I saying they are responsible for his drug use. But I do believe their ungodly leadership played a part. Ultimately the Sovereignty of God and responsibility of man is a great mystery to us all at various times in our lives. All I know is this; God can redeem the lost time and sorrows that have been eaten away from us by the horrible experiences in what was supposed to be “church.” For those of you who came through all these memories and suffered, God can change things. For those who came out on the other side largely unscathed, God bless you for your application of God’s grace through it all. There’s one thing I ask of all those who read this; “Don’t let my Jonny’s life be in vain without speaking to you.” Out of misery, heartache and loss can come hope, healing, and restoration. Jonny is with Jesus now. If he were here, I know he would tell you, “Don’t let your experiences under ungodly leadership do to you what it did to me. Don’t worry about me I’m with Jesus now. But you still have some things to get squared away. And when I see you in heaven, I’m gonna ask how you responded to all this.”

For those parents who have regrets and those now grown adults that have any residual bitterness, let it go. To those of you who were young at the time, your parents need to hear and feel your forgiveness. And you need to hear their sorrows and regrets in the mistakes they made. Do you know the most horrifying nightmare for a parent? How did my parenting affect my children when we were walking through that season of our lives? How did the pressure I put on them to perform cause them any heartache or issues? Parents, let God heal you. Former teens, let God get the glory for YOUR victory over what took place. And for me personally, let my son Jonny’s life speak to you to come out of your feeling inadequate, hopelessness and despair. After all, Jonathan may ask how you handled all of this when you see him in heaven. The question is, what are you gonna tell him?